Ward-Evil

2005-04-12 at 12:08 a.m.

So today I have been forcing myself to use the telephone. I rang the job agency, who told me that they've only had vacancies for PAs, and that that is why they've not got me a job yet. Then I rang Safeway, who don't have any jobs going. And I rang the Student Loans Agency who don't want any money from me just yet.

And so with a sense of virtue I went to the doctors and asked to be put back on my medication. Which went ok, except that he has for some unfathomable reason decided to muck about with my meds, and has put me on the anti-depressant alone for twelve weeks, with a view to coming off it again after that. If he wants to experiment I suppose I will go along with it but I am a bit apprehensive as it took long enough to find a combination that worked well for me and I didn't really want to change that at all. Maybe it'll be fine though, and I have a store of the mood stabiliser should it not be ok. It was a bit embarassing really, as he asked me what it was like, what I had noticed in these twinges of being depressed. I mean, eh? Funny question really, I notice that they occur mostly at night, I suppose, but I didn't know whether he wanted a description of what depression is like for me or what. While its true that I've been feeling an increased desire to self-harm lately, I haven't truly acted on it, and while I get urges more often to jump in the river/step in front of a car etc, I don't see that as a big deal, and not something I was comfortable talking to him about anyway. As I've just discovered, I'm a bit uncomfortable talking to my GP about all this, possibly because I am reasonably ok at the moment, and am hoping to arrest anything worse, rather than already being ill as I was with the psychiatrist I had in Edinburgh. Perhaps. Anyway, I see him again in twelve weeks, so I'll see how it goes, and hope for/hope I don't have any euphoric periods again.

On another note, I've just bought the Scissor Sisters album, which I am liking very much. I have also finally finished Victims of Memory and am taking it back to the library tomorrow.

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