Nobody Loves a Fairy When She's Forty

2004-12-13 at 9:01 p.m.

I have spent the last few days in a most embarassing fashion, continually watching the same 14 episodes of Allo Allo, while trying to remember the tune to "Nobody Loves a Fairy When She's Forty". Best not to ask, I think.

My dad is claiming he was molested by a Turkish barber who burnt the hair off the top of his ears. Perhaps this is popular in Turkey. And I did not know my dad had tufty ears, but you learn something new every day.

I have finished all my homework and can feel somewhat virtuous, even though I have a few lingering queries about my physics assignment but hopefully I can sort that out before I hand it in on Wednesday. The parents, being lucky as usual, are off to the Royal Variety Performance, something which, like the Last Night of the Proms, I have always wanted to go and see, but have to make do with watching it on the telly. I will be unable to take advantage of my parents' absence, however, as I shall be having a biology practical (again) up in the west end. On the plus side I get to have a poke about in the bookshop, see if I can get some more scripts of sitcoms I liked - I already have the Father Ted and the Vicar of Dibley ones, as well as The Goons and Monty Python, and I like reading scripts. As you can tell.

Well, really that is it, and I want to download some more music now I think. I have been listening to Marlene Dietrich's Falling in Love Again recently (and what a nice song that is) and I think I might go on a hunt for old songs. And on the way, try to figure out who Tommy Dorsey is/was as I seem to have wound up with a song by him and I don't know anything about him.

But before I go, and because we are in the Panto season once again...here are the lyrics to Nobody Loves a Fairy When She's Forty, which is bound to be sung by someone on a stage somewhere this season:

Nobody Loves a Fairy When She's Forty
Arthur Le Clerq

For years a fairy queen I've been
For years I foiled the Demon King
But alas I'm getting on the years have flown somehow
And I feel that Fairy Snowdrop isn't wanted now.

Chorus
Nobody loves a fairy when she's forty
Nobody loves a fairy when she's old.

She may still have a magic power but that is not enough
They like their bit of magic from a younger bit of stuff
When once your silver star has lost its glitter
And your tinsel looks like rust instead of gold
Fairy days are ending when your wand has started bending
No-one loves a fairy when shes old.

For years I reigned in Fairy Dell
I waved my wand and waved it well
If I can't do all I did I'm satisfied because
I'd sooner be a Has-Been that I would a Never Was.

Nobody loves....
Nobody loves..

The face of this Immortal One to many has appealed
But gone is the illusion once you've had it soled and heeled
When you've lost your little fairy dimples
And the moth holes in your dress let in the cold
The Goblins and the Pixies turn their backs and say Hi Nixey
No one loves a fairy when she's old.

Nobody loves.....
Nobody loves.....

As far as I can see they try to push you off the map
When once your wand has withered and your wings refuse to flap
When you can't cast a spell without it spilling
And a fairy tale for years you haven't told
You stand there shouting What O.. but they all pass by your Grotto
Nobody loves a fairy when shes old.

Nobody loves.....
Nobody loves.....

They don't give you an earthly chance to make a livelihood
They're building council houses now in my enchanted wood
When you are past the age for Television
And the air you use is government controlled
It seems that they would sooner
Listen to a blinkin' crooner
Nobody loves a fairy when shes old.

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