A Rare Mention of Cutting

2004-11-08 at 2:26 a.m.

Firstly, should I change this diary? I mean, my user name is "crazycutter", but while I think about self-injury, I don't do it anymore (fingers crossed). I haven't cut in ages, and so far I've resisted the many urges to do so. So, should I change the name, because people are going to come across this diary and expect to see descriptions of self-injury and associated things, and instead they get me rabbiting on about my physics marks. On the downside, this diary has a lot of memories and a lot of old entries that I don't want to lose. Plus I know where it is. So I don't know. And, somewhat disturbingly, I've just found that I'm listed in the Open Directory under self-injury. I must have added myself sometime or other, can't remember when now. Or indeed, why.

Aside from that I've also been thinking about this past year, and how stable I've been. Oh, I've had bad times, little downers, but nothing like as bad as they were back in the worst times. My memory is still affected from that time but I reckon that these little ups and downs are normal, and that I have just forgotten that.

I've stopped taking my medication. To be honest I stopped some time ago. I saw that new psychiatrist and she's basically signed me off, just saying to contact her if I have a crisis (because there isn't much point in her seeing me if I'm fine). The trouble is that she has basically left me on these medications indefinitely, and I don't want to be on them forever. I am not good at taking pills regularly, and I feel fine. So I stopped taking them, also partly because they seem to make me sleep an awful lot and I'm tired (ha!) of it. Oh, and it means that when I apply to university, or if anyone academic asks me, I can say that I am not on any medications and hopefully can avoid telling them that I have been mentally ill - I'm not sure whether that might affect my chances of becoming a radiographer. Now my parents weren't very happy about this, because my doctor doesn't know, nor does anyone really. And to cap it off, mum claims I am becoming paranoid. I'm not sure why, I've never been paranoid before so I can't imagine why I'd suddenly go that way. She also says I'm still obsessive, but that has never been a problem and the medication is not supposed to help it either. I am a little concerned, to be totally honest, in case finally foreswearing the pills suddenly brings the illness back, I hope it doesn't. But I can hardly rely on them forever.

And about this career I am contemplating...I still think radiography would be good. I like the idea of using science and machinery, of having a "trade" which means I can travel if I want to and do whatever I want, of not having to work in an office and (yay!) not having to wear a skirt/fancy clothes to work. One thing I am a little concerned about is whether this health assessment thing I'll have to go through before I can go to university will ask about mental illness, and whether that and/or the scars that I will always have will harm me in the future. Chances are, someone in this work environment (and 50% of the course is placement-based) is going to see my scars. Even fainter as they are, they are still noticeable. Now I can understand they might be a bit concerned - even I know bleeding cuts on your health person is a bit of a health hazard, but even though I've stopped...what I don't want is for them to say I am too potentially unstable and could be a liability for them. I don't know who to talk to about that, my GP I suppose. I would ask the psychiatrist but, as I'm not going mad, I can't speak to her. I just want a little advice, I suppose, but I'm worried about asking the university or a hospital in case it would adversely affect me and they get to know about it. I hope it won't, but I get shades of my Principal saying that I am "mentally unstable and unfit to lead others" coming back to me. I need to ask my GP if I'm likely to have recurrances of this in the future as well. See, as I've been diagnosed with manic depression, as far as I know they don't have a little button they can press to say "cured", its something that you're stuck with. I'm not making much sense, what I mean is that it looks as though I might get ill again throughout my life and 1. I don't want to get ill and 2. that could really bugger up my career. *sigh* I'm seeing my GP again in January, I'll have to ask him then.

Thats pretty much all I've been thinking of. Though I am a little concerned that I seem to be getting the urge to cut more often lately, but hey, so long as I don't actually do it, it doesn't matter how often I want to, really.

And now I am off to while away time on the net again, due to my stupidity in having slept the day away again.

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