Peculiarities

2004-02-04 at 11:42 p.m.

So I went out today to get him a present. I got a stainless steel light thing that is supposed to clip onto the pages of a book and some chocolates. He'll never use the light, of course, but thats not the point of gadgets.

Still no news on the job front. Still maybe that means they like me? Hopefully I'll hear some more tomorrow.

Things have not been so good lately. I had an awful night last night. I couldn't sleep, couldn't stop thinking, stop moving...Everything has started to seem unreal again, I dream and no longer know what is dreams and what is reality. It feels like there is something buzzing inside my skull, something under pressure, like something in one of those boiling pots. It makes me want to just drill a hole through my forehead to let it out. But I know that is foolishness. I just can't help it. I've been feeling low, and I don't know why: I've been taking my pills most assiduously. I missed one dose, but that was it! I am desparate to cut again, but I have tried so hard and for so long not to cut. Though its not as long as I thought it was - I was thinking months, but it has only been one and a week or so. I might give in, I might have to. I cannot tolerate this pressure. Maybe the forcing in my head will subside if I cut? I swing from being very tired to having too much unpleasant energy, energy I have nothing to do with. Words are taking me over again, I cannot stop them, cannot sleep for all the words tumbling inside my head. Not just the monologue - I've always had that, but its faster, more insistent, it will not be stopped. Normally I get to sleep by stopping that internal conversation and imagining something else - a holiday, a little scene, whatever. Now the monologue intrudes, won't stop, no matter what I do. I love words but I don't want to be controlled by them. And the pictures, images, smells and shapes that I see the world as are becoming brighter again.

I'm a little worried, to be honest. Trying to ignore it, but I don't want things to go backwards. Never look back. Never look back.

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