Ping Pong

2003-12-17 at 9:47 a.m.

Ugh, I'm tired. I feel like a ping-pong ball. I went up to Northumberland on Monday on the train, to Edinburgh yesterday, and then back to Northumberland for an hour then I got the train down to London, where I am now.

I have a job interview at 2pm, so this is going to be quickish.

I saw the psychatrist yesterday. He said the nasty episode was a dissasociative one. He's changed the dosage on my meds a bit. He's also moving jobs in early January so the next time I see him will be the last. He's going to get my GP in London to refer me to a psychiatrist here.

He reckons I'm not trying hard enough to get a job. Says I'm letting events control me rather than controlling them. To a certain extent thats true I suppose, certainly about housing and suchlike, but not about jobs, I think. I am trying with that, I know I am.

He also says I'm illogical. But I don't see it. He was complaining because I said I wished I'd never gone to university, that I'd learnt a trade instead. I guess maybe I should have told him I've always had mixed feelings about it, because no one in my family ever went to university, they're all manual workers.

He says I have to stop self-doubting. I don't see why.

I made a joke about my mother not remembering my name which badly backfired as he didn't realise it was a joke, and now thinks I'm very strange for mentioning it.

I told him how depressed I've been, but I think he thinks I'm making it up.

Just great.

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