Last night's episode

2003-12-14 at 3:22 a.m.

I wish I knew what that episode was. I'd been off my meds for some time, so I don't think it was a withdrawal effect or anything. It must have come from me, not the pills (or lack thereof). But its never happened before. Thats why I got so panicky.

I just got incredibly confused. I didn't know where I was, who I was - I thought I had melded into the computer desk at one point. I could vaguely remember things about myself, but it was like looking through a fog. I was rocking back and forth, violently - now I often rock, but I can generally stop. Started crying and couldn't stop, couldn't walk. I became incoherent - in my thoughts, and the worst thing was I could tell. I couldn't hear properly either. Thats what it reminded me of - fainting. When I faint (which I used to do a lot when I was 13) I get confused, foggy in the head, then my hearing goes. This was sort of like that, but being stuck in the mid-zone, without the feeling of faintness. Argh its hard to explain. My typing went all to hell, too, I couldn't coordinate my fingers. I couldn't move my head off my shoulder either - its stiff and sore today.

It was horrible.

Finally I made myself go to bed, staggered in and had to calm myself because I could hear a voice saying "who are you" and got convinced there was someone standing by my bed watching me. I managed it in the end.

Woke up still feeling groggy. I've not felt quite connected to anything all today. Everything's a bit dreamlike, but its a bit better now. Had a conversation with my friend Shirley, but I was still a bit incoherent - rambling, stuttering (I don't normally have a stutter), not finishing sentences, leaving trains of thought half way through. She didn't say anything though - but this being Shirley, she probably had a can of Tennents in her hand at the time so thats nothing particular!

Still feel a bit weird but I'm hoping the pills will stop this happening. And I'm seeing the psychiatrist on Tuesday.

Cut again tonight. I was going to do my whole arm, but got tired after re-carving "vanity". I'll do it tomorrow I think, last chance to do so in freedom for a while as my dad gets back tomorrow night.

Well, off surfing. Feels like something heavy is lying on my neck :-(

Oh well.

<< - >>
Notes | G-book