Disgusting

2003-12-13 at 3:14 a.m.

People just wandering about, so intent on their jobs, but their jobs are pointless. There is nothing worthwhile about them! They're just a means of earning money! Why bother?

I want something worthwhile, but there isn't anything. If there isn't any worth, then what? What option have I?

Went to the Jobcentre today, and what a dump my London one is in. Horrible grinding poverty, people with the look of disease, bad food and want on them. With badly made, cheap clothes and that look on their faces. No hope, no future, no jobs, no education, no money, nothing. Everyone shortchanges them, the BNP tries to lynch them, no one offers anything. They all strive to get work but there isn't any, and the work is nothing but a means of filling up the hours, getting money, spending it, waiting to die.

I don't want any of this.

None of it. I don't want the words, and I don't want the thoughts. I don't want the dreams and I don't want the pain. I don't want to feel normal and I don't want to feel abnormal. I just want to go.

I'm probably going to have to miss my psychatrist's appointment because I have a job interview in London the day after.

I need to see him but I don't want to tell him anything. Its vanity, I shouldn't talk to him, I should ask never to see him again. I should chuck my pills out of the window and then chuck myself in the river.

Its all disgusting.

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