Control

2003-12-11 at 10:59 p.m.

Woke up at 5pm today. I didn't mean to - I was half awake earlier, talking to my mum, but kept just falling back asleep. I don't actually like sleeping, its like being drugged, or half-dead. Plus I get nightmares. Not real, wake-up-screaming dreams, but ones that leave me feely vaguely uneasy for the rest of the day. And make the world seem even more unreal than it is.

I suppose I'm getting obsessed with losing control. I just don't feel like I'm controlling myself anymore, keep forgetting who I am, keep feeling everything is unreal (and there is no reasonable way to prove it is real after all), that I'm unreal or the world is, and I have no means of knowing which is true. I'm sure I must be doing something and not noticing, people are still looking at me oddly and I can't figure out why. I may not like the way I look, but aside from being fat I'm not unusual-looking - fairly ordinary. No reason I can see why I'd get funny looks off people. Unless I'm creeping them out, the way some people do. I dunno. I just think maybe I've started talking to myself. I do keep losing myself in my thoughts - and when I say losing, I mean losing - I lose all sense of where I am, who I am, my body, my surroundings. That happens when I read too. And that is precisely when I could start doing things without noticing, start waving my arms around (when I get to an exciting part of a book, a daydream or an internal conversation, I tend to feel like I've been rushing around the room or something) or chatting away to myself. No real way for me to know unless someone mentions it though.

I'm reading a book about serial killers at the moment. Cheering stuff, you might think. Actually it is, a bit. Or maybe I'm just morbid/sick, take your pick lol.

Parents go away tomorrow so I shall finally be able to give into the urge to cut without unpleasant possible consequences. It never really goes away, the urge, but I can surpress it with thoughts, writing, reading. Maybe thats why I've been having trouble sleeping through the torrent of uncontrollable thoughts? Some sort of unconscious attempt to stop me wanting to cut? Trouble is it makes me want to die instead.

Speaking of which... Its not that I am less suicidal, but that I have made a positive decision. I am going to do it, for fairly logical reasons (to me, anyway), but I will do it when I am no longer living in my parents' house. And I will research it this time so I have no way of giving into that disgusting urge to go to hospitals. Even if that means handcuffing myself or buying an electric saw to sort my hands out, I will do it. I am not going to be some weirdo who goes into hosptials. So this time, I will make sure of it. Take the pills (if I choose to OD), and handcuff my hands behind my back. And wait. Not tell anyone. Oh maybe online, because no one on here can call the ambulance on me, but not tell my offline friends. Then it'll all be over. Its something to look forward to, anyway.

It feels like its destined.

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