Birthday

2003-11-30 at 10:40 p.m.

Well, birthday today. Actually, it wasn't very good. This morning was ok - got up, opened my presents from my parents ("The No 1 Ladies Detective Agency", an REM album, chocolate, and a photograph album) and then we went out. Unfortunately, I got stuck in a bleak mood that still hasn't shifted. I didn't want to eat anything - I felt a bit sick, actually, but my parents wanted to take me out for a treat - i.e. lunch out. We argued about it, eventually they told me to just shove off and I wandered off into London.

Went to the pub in the end, as normal. I had wanted to give myself a day out today - I was going to go to St Pauls, actually pay for admission, look about, then have a drink. But hey.

Anyway I went into my favourite eccentic bookshop on Marylebone High Street - Daunt Books - and bought the Selected Poems of Patrick Kavanagh, which my parents hadn't been able to find.

Then I just sat for a bit. Came home, rang my nana to hear her sing "happy birthday" to me down the phone (she does this every year) and chat for a bit. Thats about it, really.

I'm still in a bit of a bleak mood, but not so bad as before. Earlier on, I had a desperate urge to run in front of a bus on Oxford Street - which would have meant I'd die, as it takes so long for the ambulances to get past the gridlock that you've got no chance. Then I came over all Virginia Woolf-like this evening, and wanted to jump in the Thames. I didn't, though (obviously). I don't really know why not.

Maybe things will get better. This is about the years anniversary of when I got depressed this time round - it was about November/December last year, as I recall. Didn't start seeing the psychiatrist till the end of January though. I've lost a whole year of my life. To be honest I don't really think I will get "normal" again anymore - I've forgotten what thats like in any case.

Ah well.

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