Why I didn't Try Suicide Again

2003-11-23 at 3:06 a.m.

Um, I think I'm getting a little bit paranoid in my old age. I found myself today thinking "I'm not going to take my meds because they've been given to me to make me a slave of the government!" Eh? Thats not me? And why would the government be interested in me anyway? Weird lol.

Aside from that, well I've been doing absolutely nothing today. Woke up, went online, came offline, watched TV, went online. I've got to tidy the house because my parents are coming tomorrow, but as its 3am I think I'll leave it till daylight.

Been feeling a little weird - thoughts of suicide coming back. But thats probably because I've not been taking my pills. In any case there is something I've been meaning to say for a while on here. I took an overdose a few months ago, and ended up in hospital overnight. Since then, I've not tried to kill myself, and my psychiatrist thinks its a good sign. But I haven't been totally honest with him about it. Its not that I don't want to die anymore - because I do, and I still think about ways and whys all the time. Its because I didn't like my reaction to the hospital. I liked it, you see. If they had come to me and said I had to stay in that hospital forever, I would have been happy. I suppose it was the mixture of caring closeness and distance (just another patient) that appealed. But I do not want to end up the sort of person who goes into hospitals all the time. I never have been before and I assume its just because I'm depressed and would like someone to look after me but I'm not letting this get a hold on me. So I'm not in any way going to try suicide again unless I can be 100% certain I will be successful and not end up in hospital. I'm also being careful about physical illnesses just in case I start going funny - but I don't get ill often so thats unlikely.

Phew. It feels good to get that off my chest anyway. Its just a shaming thing to say really, that you liked being in hospital. Thats why I always refused to go in voluntarily to the mental hospital - I was worried if I went that I'd become the sort of patient who makes themselves worse so they never have to leave.

And thats just sick.

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