Right-angled to the world

2003-11-20 at 8:54 p.m.

Well, I've been in London for a few days now. (And believe me its weird in here - there are so many police about because of President Bush's visit....its creepy). As I'm in London I now have unlimited internet access - which means I can update this diary. I can also chat (woo-hoo!) which is why I haven't been updating.

Lately, I've not been so depressed, and I've not had the rages or the high periods which is good. I have, however, been feeling weird. Since I started taking moclobemide, a month or two ago (?) I've been finding it hard to sleep. Now, its not chronic or anything, but it is unpleasant. For one thing I hate it when I can't sleep because I can't close my eyes for any long period of time, as they start hurting (I sleep with them open apparently), which just makes it harder to sleep. And for another, the reason I can't get to sleep is not tiredness, but because I can't get my thoughts to stop.

In fact any time when I'm not totally occupied by something else, any time when I get introverted even for a second, my thoughts sweep me away. Which is why I've been listening to a lot of music, having the TV on, reading...to stop the thoughts. Because they don't always feel like they're mine. A lot of them are violent, more are very weird - and there are some disgusting images in there too. Lines and lines of poetry go whisking through my head and I can't stop them. Thats the annoying thing, not the thoughts themselves, but the fact that I have no control over them. Its like a speedboat - I own the boat (my thoughts) but I don't own the engine - I don't know what is driving my thoughts but its not me, because I can't change the direction. I've tried everything I can think of to stop them coming but I can't.

I've also been feeling lately like people can read my thoughts, or see them. So if I go introverted when I'm crossing a road for instance, I can easily become convinced that everyone has seen what I'm thinking about. Now you see I'm writing now like I know that they can't - but thats only half true. I logically know that other people cannot read my thoughts - but while my reason agrees, the rest of my mind does not.

I suppose my feelings in general lately have been loss of control. I've lost control of my thoughts, I feel like I'm losing control of my Self. (That space is deliberate). Its happened a few times now, I'll just be watching someone, talking to someone, and suddenly the world will....jump. Its like its suddenly tilted, and I'm now going at right angles to it. Everything seems weird, odd, not as it should be. Everything seems wrong. And worst of all - I cease to be me. I keep on thinking I'm someone other than myself. Not people I know so much, but if I'm just walking along and I see someone crossing the road with me, if the world jumps at that time I will think that I am them. Its only for a second, because when I see them I get all frightened because how come I can see more than one of me, and then I realise thats not me at all. The idea of forgetting who you are, what you look like, what you think like is absolutely terrifying!

Everything is so very odd now. The world doesn't make sense. And I don't know what to do about it.

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