Two/one

2003-11-07 at 10:44 p.m.

I went to see the psychiatrist last Tuesday, and he's put me on sodium valproate as well as moclobemide, to get rid of the "high"s and the rages. He asked me whether I thought they were related - I figured that one out ages ago. I have the same excess of energy with both, feeling like I'm going to explode if I don't get up and move around right now.

A big plus of the high periods though is that I lose weight - my trousers have been falling down recently. Though as valproate causes weight gain I don't suppose that'll happen anymore. A shame really, because I'm overweight.

Why is it that everything causes me to want to cut? Feel sad, cut; feel happy or excited, cut. That makes no sense! (And is a bad sign - the doctor reckons the cutting will stop once I'm not depressed...it doesn't sound like it does it?) I had to stop myself buying a new knife the other day. You see, at the moment I use razor blades, but I always liked using a craft knife better because it leaves bigger scars (less blood though) and I find it easier to go deeper with it (dunno why). There was a Stanley knife going for £1 at a shop near me and I was so tempted to buy it...they even had those sports bandages for £1 as well, which are excellent for stopping the blood staining sheets etc.

Still no job. I had an interview, but didn't get the job (as an admin assistant, I could do that standing on my head!!!). Had some work experience at a newspaper. But I found it really difficult, meeting others' expectations, making a 'good impression', seeing lots of new people and having to put on a happy face and be pleasant and attractive to them. I suppose I've got into a bit of a rut - I never see anyone I don't know. Still I mustn't dwell on it or I'll end up not being able to work.

I've reapplied to the council for housing - turns out that they reckoned I was having them on a bit. I spoke to the caseworker for me and she said that if I'm still seeing the doctor, I should have got Gold status, and that I didn't write enough.

Things aren't exactly excellent at the moment. I can't sleep - my own thoughts won't let me. Its not like I'm obsessing about anything, its just that as soon as the room is silent (which only happens when I go to bed) I can't stop my thoughts running on. I think of stories, lines of poetry (all in perfect blank verse too, which I never normally manage). And it won't stop and I get so tired. I suppose my mood for the moment would be "apathetic", from the tiredness.

I keep feeling so...split as well. Let me explain - ever since I was a kid I've had these sudden obsessions & revulsions. I would be fanatical for physics one moment and then for literature the next. And I'd feel repulsed by whatever I had been keen on before. I always felt like there were two opposing but equal parts to me - I could even split them fairly equally. 1-> Physics, maths, atheism/dogmatics/philosophy, keen on power, arrogant, cold-hearted and totally without empathy, emotionless (white, blue) and 2-> Poetry, writing, reading, 'fuzzy' ie liberal christianity and/or paganism, all peace and love and keen on other people, wanting desperately to help others, convinced I'm awful & don't deserve to live, full of empathy for others, emotional (brown, yellow).

I've made literally hundreds of personalities for myself on the internet, corresponding more or less to one side or the other. I have a strong atheist website, I have two pagan websites (one of which does very well surprisingly), several Christian websites (fundamentalist & liberal alike) as well as about four poetry sites. I also have a ton of different aliases on bulletin boards. Just this past two days I've created another four websites - one pagan, one liberal Christian, one poetry and one miscellaneous. Guess you can see which part of me is uppermost at the moment, huh?

It really annoys me because I can make my mind up about something, then my mood changes, and I feel repulsed about it.

My mood plays a huge part in changing which part plays. If we take a starting point of slightly depressed, if I get more depressed my mood will change, if my mood lifts I'll change again. When I'm very depressed (bottom of the scale) or in a high phase, both parts of me are operative at the same time.

No one knows about this, this is the first time I've really written it down. But I don't like it, but I wouldn't change it - both 'sides' are me, and I wouldn't be me if one side went. I did try to kill one off when I was at school. I decided to get rid of (brown, yellow) and get rid of emotions. I forgot how to smile (its possible, I had to re-teach myself in front of a mirror) but I couldn't get rid of all emotion. Just after that experiment failed I gave up physics forever and went for arts. Course it turned out that pure theology (dogmatics) and philosophy are at least as white-blue as physics, but I wasn't to know that at the time.

*sigh* I just wanted to tell someone that, anyway.

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