Update

2003-10-16 at 11:37 p.m.

To be honest things have been really crap. I've been very depressed lately. I haven't been able to shake it off. My dislike (despair?) is making me feel physically sick, and I just want to bash my head off something till it all goes away.

I've been wanting to cut more and more. I've actually done so, a few times, much worse than I actually meant to at the time, but I got carried away.

I've been hearing voices again, laughter mainly, or just words I can't quite catch though I've also heard breathing - a dragon, I thought at the time - and my name being called. Considering I live quite a way from other houses, they have to be coming from me.

I've also had a couple of those "high" periods again, which were great. Dancing round the room and I thought I was actually on fire (in a good sense) at one point. But they're not with me right at this second as you can no doubt tell.

I've been in London the past week, redecorating. I've been depressed and feeling abnormally happy at the same time - though the rages haven't happened, which I'm surprised at. I suppose thats because I'm making an effort to turn them inward, or into good causes (like, feeling angry at child abusers rather than feeling 'normal' for me, which is nothing for them either way).

I'm feeling crap, I can't be bothered, and I won't be online for about a fortnight. My work experience starts next week and I don't want to go. I will though, otherwise my parents will go nuts. They say I have to move to London with them soon as mum can't stand the cold. The Council have said I missed Gold priority but did myself down, and should mention i'm still seeing a psychiatrist as apparently that will make them rethink.

No luck on the job front, apparently I'm classed by the government as difficult now, in two months I will be long-term unemployed, when it starts looking very bad on your CV.

Crap.

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