No joy

2003-10-03 at 7:57 p.m.

He can't help with the anger and stuff. All he says is I'm to take half a pill less in case that is triggering the anger and I have to "take responsibility" for it. I don't care whose responsibility it is, I just want it to stop!!! I have to find some way myself to keep from exploding, and not blame the pills apparently (though he also said he thinks the pills might have started this!) Well, I already know what my options are: I tried for years to control this and couldn't, so if I think I've become a danger I have three options left - suicide, prison or disabling myself (i.e. chopping my hands off or trying to shoot myself in the spine or something). If I'm very lucky maybe I'll be able to turn it inward instead.

I don't know what to do about this. He says if it hasn't got any better he'll put me on another mood stabiliser (val-something) but he doesn't think it'll work. I've no idea how to control this myself.

Probably a good thing that I've been depressed for the past few days. No danger when I'm depressed at least. Long may it continue and all that.

Had a cutting session day before yesterday. I went a bit far, had to spend too much time mopping up and then bled all over my mother's pillow and had to wash it. Its stopped bleeding now though and I already want to do it again. As it makes me feel like popping a blister - drained, I'm going to let myself do whatever.

I don't care anymore.

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