I can't take the anger anymore

2003-09-21 at 10:52 p.m.

Well. Shirley & her dog have been here for the weekend. Its been good...except...I kept getting angry, at her. And I like her! I don't normally feel angry towards her - maybe its because when I have guests I don't feel I can go and be alone for any length of time, and I can't stand that.

Things have been a bit disgusting. I keep feeling urges to hurt others - to kill them actually. And, unpleasantly, if I read of a murder in the papers, it no longer seems bad to me.

I'm really worried about whats happening. How long am I going to be able to control myself? And what'll happen if I can't?

If I do lose it, I'm going to jump off the nearest bridge or something. I know what I'm like - if I lose my temper then nothing and no one can stop me from trying to kill others - and at the moment, I want to kill the whole world. I cannot live with those sorts of feelings, I cannot live with the loss of myself that they bring - when I lose my temper, I'm not me anymore, and I don't want to become someone else. I cannot live with "myself" being a danger to others.

I'd rather die than be a monster.

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