Why am I so angry?

2003-09-07 at 2:08 p.m.

So...looks like I'm going to be here for a while, as I've got some work experience coming up in late October. I still don't want to be here (with mum & dad) but I don't have a lot of choice. I'm hoping to persuade them to front me the money for a flat somewhere else so I can live away, with Shirley hopefully. Need to go slow on it though otherwise they won't agree.

I've been having some major problems with anger lately. I went shopping yesterday for things to hide the scars (oh joy), and I had to restrain myself from attacking people who were there. I ended up hating them so much that I gave myself a headache. I quite seriously wanted to kill all the people I met - and the goblin-sight seems to be back. When I looked at people all I saw were deformed, debased, ugly & degenerate faces, weird hair, bad clothes and waddling walks. I felt they were defiling me, standing too close to me, and I just wanted to run amok. I managed to contain myself this time but I am worried that I won't be able to another time. When I was younger I had a truly terribly, violent temper, and when I lost it, it was like I was outside my own head (to the left of it, for some reason) and all the person in my head could do was kill. Literally, thats all I could think, how much I wanted to remove the faces of whoever had annoyed me. I would just go mad, and everyone would run away, because I couldn't control myself. I managed to repress this - but that was nearly ten years ago now, and I can't remember how I did it. If I lose control again, it'll be the same as it always was, out of my hands. And I'm frightened of what I might do - I'm a lot bigger now than I was as a child, and could do a lot more damage. I'm actually hoping that this is just the pills doing this, that if I get the psychiatrist to take me off them then I might be better. Or that this is merely the prelude to the wee 'high' periods I got - which I have no objection to at all. *sigh* I hope this gets better soon, I can't be going around in a murderous rage all the time.

I really want to cut, but I've decided its too much hassle to do so when I'm still living with my parents. It takes a lot of bother to hide the marks (more so than the scars), and I can only do a little bit, rather than my whole arm as I'd like. So I'm waiting until I move to somewhere new, then I'm going to really go for it, and I'm using that anticipation to stave off the urges right now.

Don't think there is much else to tell. I'm still a bit depressed, though not as badly, and it may be that the anger is taking it out of me. Things have been a little weird, like something unpleasant is about to happen, and I can't remember what I say anymore - I seem to be losing control over myself and I don't like it. Fear is back too, that things are creeping in my room, that the ivy is alive, that unseen people are following me. Hopefully that is some sort of side-effect of the anger. At least the colours haven't got any worse - I still see emotional states & people as colours, but I don't feel any inclination not to see certain people or do certain things because of their colour which is probably a good thing.

I've got about another month before I see the psychiatrist again which is a bit of a bugger. Still at least I have this and my paper diary to refer to.

See you in a few days.

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