Update, feeling ok, New poem.

2003-09-04 at 8:08 p.m.

This week so far has been ok. Dad has been away so no arguments with him, mum and I haven't really talked about my decision too much. They're now talking about maybe paying for me to live in Newcastle because I have family there (though its the same price as Edinburgh) because mum reckons I'll end up in a mental hospital if I'm left in Edinburgh on my own.

Feelings-wise, its been ok. Not brilliant, but ok. I've not been quite so acutely suicidal for a while. I still want to die, I desperately want to cut, and I'm still thinking of suicide methods, but its not an all-consuming impulse now but rather a reasoned decision. (Maybe the doctors would think that was more dangerous - I don't know). I've been taking the moclobemide for a while now. I have a sneaking suspicion its sending me into those mini-manic periods again. Actually, thats fine by me, bring them on! I enjoyed them - who wouldn't? I've been getting rather irritable, which was my 'warning' the last time, and I do occasionally feel like dancing in the street/flying round the chimney so I think they're on their way. Just hope they stay for longer this time. Don't think the psychiatrist will be best pleased though. Never mind.

Still applying for jobs, still just getting rejections. I've been thinking of writing an article on SI for something like More Magazine though. I think it would be something they'd be interested in, I'd enjoy writing it (and giving Safe Haven a hefty plug), helping others, and it would be good for my future too. I think I might do it, see if I can get a few people from SH to give me some info I can use (like mini-interviews but with names changed, I know More does that) then send it off and see what happens. Anyone think that is a good idea?

I've been reading Ashley's diary, hope she is ok, sounds like she's going through a pile of shit at the moment.

Anyway, I'm going to post more over the weekend as I have the use of this computer till Monday. I've written a new poem (as I woke up this morning, lol) so here it is:

Choir Practise

We sing starting a new term, looking to Christmas now,
choir practise every Monday, five o'clock.
Carols and canticles, hymns and their descants
slip from us these dark evenings.
Practise feeds excitement - adolescent lust enjoys
a holiday among us all.
Unspoken, unrealised still, just a 'liking' for someone
(not each other - just as well in a girls' school)
Waiting with hearts pounding, for Christmas
the sum of all our hopes.
(He looked at me! He smiled! He loves me too!)
We let ourselves be deceived, joyously
and in the great high ceilinged church
we share the gift of communion
giggles and secrets shared between the choir seats
uniting us against our circumspect elders in the stalls.

TTFN

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