Split two ways

2003-08-31 at 11:32 p.m.

I'm feeling torn in two a bit right now. You see, aside from the horrible row with dad, things have been ok the rest of today. And its making me feel that maybe I should stay at home to please my parents - I do love them after all. And then I have to remind myself how awful I've been feeling, that I have no privacy, the constant insinuations that I'm lying, not really ill, and constantly having to cover up my arms to make sure mum doesn't see the scars. I can't go on living like that - but I don't exactly fancy being disowned either.

My dad wants me to go down to London with him tomorrow for a little while, to look at postgraduate courses and the like. The thing is, I would quite like to go to London for a holiday, but I'm afraid it'll seem like capitulation if I do, and I'm not willing to have to go through the same arguments over again if my parents decide to believe that I've agreed to stay with them.

In some, non-health ways, its a difficult decision. I'd love to be around my friends, to be able to be open etc etc. But I do know that it would help me jobwise if I got a postgrad degree, and there is a really interesting course in website journalism which I would really like to do. But if I get ill again, I'd do crap at the course anyway, and probably end up in hospital over again. Plus my GP down there doesn't seem to believe in confidentiality and will report everything I say to my mum, I'd have to find a new psychiatrist, and worst, I'd have to live with constant nagging, sly little digs about my weight, my attitude, my illness...and if mum ever found out about the cutting all hell would be let loose.

I just feel so tired right now, and I don't like arguing very much at the best of times and now, every time I argue I just want to go and slice up my arms really badly or hang myself. I've lost my skills in arguing back - all that happens if I do is that mum says I'm a bully or a selfish pig, and I can't stand that anymore.

Oh, I don't know what to do anymore. I want to be free, but I don't want to end up on the breadline for my whole life or anything.

I suppose there is always the Church, I could go and become a minister or something. What I'd really like to do is apply for funding to do a masters and a phd in theology, and do a study on attitudes to mental illness in the churches - I think that would be really interesting to do. I suppose, even if I was living in a hostel, even if I have to live hand to mouth for a year, I still have a decent chance of getting funding - as long as I'm not ill.

We'll see. This might be my last entry for a bit because my dad is taking the computer away tomorrow. Next entry, I'll probably be either in Edinburgh again, or staying here for a bit longer (my decision has not changed to leave). You can always email me though: crazy_cutter@lycos.com.

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