Update: seeing the psych, I've got to get out of here.

2003-08-29 at 11:29 p.m.

I saw the psychiatrist on Tuesday. He's keeping me on the moclobemide, for at least another year apparently. He also reckons I'm mildly obsessive because I told him about the colours. (I see people as colours...its hard to explain, I had to explain to him by saying that I see him as a dark blue, but its not a visual thing. As I say, difficult to explain.) He does reckon I'm getting better. I'm not sure. To a certain extent I can see his point, when I'm with my friends I tend to be better and I'm staying about half of every week with one of them. But then again - I always was better when I was with them. And he hasn't seen me when I'm at home.

Thats been quite bad. I've been rowing constantly with mum. I will not go down to London with them next month. Even if it means living in a homeless hostel (which it needn't) I will get back up to Edinburgh. I can't stand the lack of privacy here, the fact that I can only be sure of being uninterrupted when I go to the toilet! I hate not being able to cut if I want to - and I do want to. The trouble is it takes too long to clean up the blood and cover up, so long that mum would get suspicious. I hate being away from my friends, from just being able to stay out till 6am if I want to.

I just want to be free.

Mum doesn't understand. The other day she shouted at me calling me a fucking pig and a selfish bitch because I want to leave, she's not very well with asthma at the moment. But living here is making me unwell, why should I be expected to accept what she won't?

Anyway, I will leave. I'm 22, they have no claim over me, and if they choose to complain that they didn't get value for money in me, well more fool them for spending that money.

I still feel suicidal most of the time. I have access to much more powerful drugs here because of my parents' illnesses, and trees and stuff - but I don't have the time to do it because of the lack of privacy, plus I don't seem to be very good at it. If I don't actually manage to die then everything will just explode - mum thinks suicides and people who attempt it are the most disgusting people on earth. Plus she'd find out about the cutting, which she doesn't know about at the moment.

I'm really tired, really sick of everything. If I get out of here then I might find my head clears and I get better. Or at least find that I can make a decision - even if that decision involves death. I need freedom, even at the risk of choosing suicide, I'd still take that risk. Funny, I'm starting to sound like I'm two different people, but thats sort of how I feel right now - because I'm being indecisive I guess.

Anyway, I have this computer for a few nights so I should be able to update again.

Ta to Elf for the mention - I do see them even if I don't reply either!

By the way could someone tell me whether that image on this diary is really broken or if its just my computer? Thanks.

-Blaed

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