Update - not good

2003-08-23 at 12:03 a.m.

A fair bit has happened:

I've made my last visit to the nurse. We both agreed it wasn't doing anything so I don't have to see her again. She did express concern that I've not been able to write my diary or visit SafeHaven since I moved though.

I've been feeling a lot better. Past tense is important here. I was feeling ok for a while, got quite hopeful all this was ending. Then everything came crashing down again and I feel as bad as ever. Worse, I think. Anyway, I've made a decision - the same one again (I know). Being in the countryside has given me the opportunity I lacked in the city though. Hanging is a hell of a lot easier if you have tree branches rather than light electrics around! Its a rather more set and less emotional decision this time around - I simply can't find a point anymore. I'm seeing the psychiatrist on Tuesday, but after that I don't have any responsibilities.

I hate living with my parents again - being shouted at every time I show I'm depressed is not pleasant considering I have no control over it, and neither is being told I'm lying about it.

I can't find a job. Turns out that no employer is looking for a degree, they just want experience, so I'm virtually unemployable. Terrific. If I live (which I doubt) next month I'm going into a hostel for the homeless because my parents are moving back to London for the next year and there is NO WAY I'm going with them.

Have been seeing a lot of my friends, they've been great.

Have stopped taking my pills because I was feeling so good after I stopped and because pills make me feel ill after the last hospital visit. Also these ones made me feel giddy.

Have not managed to stop cutting. I thought I had, but I've not been able to stop for very long. I've managed to hide the marks from my mother though.

I miss my online friends, but have no chance of seeing them.

Must go now, I'm afraid, my mother is going to come in if I'm on here any longer and I don't want her to see this.

-Blaed

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