Failed suicide attempt #2

2003-06-13 at 3:52 p.m.

My attempt didn't work again. I took about 2,000-3,000mg of Lamotrigine. I ended up on a bench outside a church, noticed I was seeing double, then was rather copiously sick. After a couple of hours of feeling awful, I decided to ring for an ambulance. When the paramedics came I couldn't walk properly, and fell flat on my face, cracked my head off the cobblestones, and (naturally) fell into a pool of vomit. Lovely!

Ended up in A&E for hours because there wasn't a bed in the overdose ward, but I don't remember much of that part. I remember getting the heart monitor hooked up to me, but I have these puncture marks on my hands and arms I don't remember at all, so I assume they gave me drugs of some sort. They thought my name was Amber because I was slurring so much that they couldn't make out what I was saying properly. I threw up a lot, which was fun.

Eventually got carted off to the overdose ward, given a bed (boy was it fun trying to walk to the bed) and continued throwing up for about twelve hours. Of course, there was nothing left to throw up - bile is not fun. I had doctors come and talk to me, and I did manage to give them some information - and tell them my name. But I don't remember much of what I said to the psychiatrist - I do remember thinking he was a right weirdo when he seemed puzzled that I was telling him the truth and when he asked if I wanted to be sectioned! Who wants to be sectioned?!! He rang up my normal psychiatrist - who must have been working that day, I didn't think he worked on Wednesdays. Actually I could kick that stupid hospital psychiatrist - he insisted that my psychiatrist had said my appointment with him was on Friday, but I came home and found out that it was indeed on Thursday - and that he doesn't work in his clinic on a Friday!!

Anyway, ended up there for a while, saw doctors and was poked and prodded (and one of them scratched my feet for some reason). They asked me all sorts of questions as well - like "What is the name of the Queen"! I got some of them wrong though whoops. I dozed off at one point (and was told later that I snore like a pig and kept everyone else awake). Anyway, on Wednesday afternoon the doctors said I could leave. So I threw up a bit more and then staggered to the TV room so I could ring my friend and get her to pick me up. But as I was talking to her the nurse came in and said I couldn't go home because I couldn't walk straight.

So I ended up there for another night, mostly just sleeping (I have no idea how I managed it, I don't normally sleep that much!). They let me out yesterday (Thursday) morning, and I went to a friend's house where she washed my clothes (they were covered in sick) and I had a shower.

It was weird, I got chatting to some of the other patients in the TV room (where no one watched TV but did smoke a lot). The number of them who self-harmed was amazing! I'd never met anyone in real life who cut until then. Two of them told me never to go into the mental hospital as they had been in and thought it was horrible. I got chatting to some policemen as well - someone had been arrested and brought in. They were quite nice actually.

Anyway, the consultant (whos a bit up herself, I don't like her and neither do any of the patients) came round and said I could go. I was still dizzy - actually I'd spent half the night with my head resting on my knees because moving my head made the room spin. She said that was just a side-effect and would go though. The hospital gave me the pajama(sp) bottoms I was wearing to go home in - my jeans were DISGUSTING. I ended up buying a new shirt as well.

So I'm seeing the psychiatrist next Thursday. I doubt he'll be very pleased. I can't say I'm exactly delighted I failed - and I will never take lamotrigine again! That was horrible! I hate being sick!

I've got to go stay with my parents now - they don't know about all this, and I've got to hide the scars from them because, naturally, I cut before I went into the hospital and so they're all red. I think I've figured out - I can hide them ok in daytime, but its night thats worrying me. If I wear a rugby shirt (which has long sleeves) in bed then hopefully they won't see. They'd better not. The needle marks in the back of my hand aren't too bad - I can say they're midge bites if I have to.

Anyway, I'll update once I'm back from seeing them.

-Blaed

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