Bye-bye

2003-06-11 at 1:27 a.m.

Suicide is painless,
it brings on many changes,
and I can take or leave it if I please.

This is it.

I can't take all this anymore, so death, here I come.

I've been thinking this over for a while now, and I still can't see a reason not to do this. Last Sunday showed me that I can't bear to be at home anymore, I have no ambition, no future, nothing to look forward to. I hate the way I look, I hate the scars, I hate needing to inflict those scars. My poetry is just the ramblings of a narcissist, my friends - I have no idea why they would be friends with me. Anyone who gets to know me well ends up hating me - calling me an arrogant, selfish, self-centred and coldhearted person. Maybe they're right, its been said of me so many times it probably is.

I can't bear the thought of leaving but I don't want to stay. I'm frightened of dying but I don't want to live. I'm sick and tired of feeling odd all the time, and I want some peace. The only way I can see to achieve that is to end everything.

I'm sorry that people will be upset - I'm assuming my parents will be anyway, but I can't bear to go on. I can't tell my friends I'm doing this - Gillian will start hating me again, and we've only just got back to half-way normal after last time.

Anyway, tonight is the night. I've spruced up, showered and all, don't want to look icky for the doctors. I'll have to just take the lamotrigine though because I can't find the Effexor and the citalopram-in-buckfast makes me throw up.

So this will probably be my last entry - unless the lamotrigine doesn't work, which it mightn't.

Been nice knowing you and all, and have a good future.

Signing off,

Blaed

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