Couple new poems, random stuff.

2003-06-01 at 11:26 p.m.

I'm feeling just a tad pissed off at the moment - one of my ears has become completely blocked and the other one is starting to go, so I have to go get my ears syringed next week. Unfortunately while I'm waiting the stupid things hurt as well as not hearing properly.

I couldn't sleep last night, so I don't know why I'm not tired. It was weird, I could swear I heard a voice - a little girl's voice. But there are no little girls round here and I don't like kids anyway. Puzzling.

Summer has finally dawned here in Scotland. It'll be gone by next week, no doubt, it usually is. But while its here everyone is eating outside, and wearing short sleeves and shorts (except me, naturally).

There was a radio programme on about SI tonight - but I don't have a radio so I couldn't listen to it (and I can't use internet radio), sadly.

Aside from that....hmmmm...been feeling a bit depressed, and a bit up and down at once, at various times. The thoughts of suicide aren't so bad - though I do notice they've started to recur, and I've started dreaming about hanging once again. This probably isn't a good sign. Still I'll mention it to the nurse when I see her on Wednesday. Thats assuming I manage to remember what time I'm supposed to be seeing her! I'll have to ring up or something, once I manage to find the number.

I'm not normally this scatty, I hasten to add, but I've not had the energy to tidy my flat in months, so there are books, papers, clothes, plastic bags, all sorts of random crap all over the place at the moment and I lose everything. I had planned to tidy this weekend - I'm supposed to be moving some of my books out on Thursday/Friday so as to move in stages, but didn't do so. Story of my life.

Anyway, got a couple of new poems, that I'm not sure are any good at all, but which you're getting regardless because I can't be bothered going into geocities and editing my site just at the moment and this is a handy place to store 'em!

Summer is Come

The summer has started to bloom
hot and muggy and airless
making me feverish and distracted
like flying when your body is still.
I stumble through the streets
hearing the call of the atmosphere
watching the sudden transformation
of huddled masses
into carefree flesh-baring worshippers.
It won't last long
(it never does)
but while fever hangs in the air
and breath comes fast and shallow
we shall all worship the sky
and bare our necks to the sun
our oppressor and beautiful demon
till it saps our strength away.

Can you guess I don't like summer much? Also I think I've been reading too much Egyptian theology - worshipping the sky sounds like too much Horus to me!

This one isn't mean to be particularly religious..I'll explain after it:

Theodicy

I experienced a theodicy today
in a broken down alleyway.
I felt the hand of God today
opposite a brothel.
I saw a beam of light pierce down,
pure poetry over the rooftops.
Some light would illuminate the squalor
but this light, this light
beautifies.
And makes all real.

This one is damn strange even if I do say so myself. I seem to have accidentally produced a theological statement I did not intend. First off - I should explain that this is my treatment of a dark street I walk up all the time (with urine and vomit all over it usually) where, at the top, the sun always breaks through the rather tall tenements here. Now whenever I've seen that patch of sun coming up the street, the word that has always sprung to mind has been "theodicy". But it seems that I have forgotten what a theodicy is. According to the Catholic Encyclopaedia: Etymologically considered theodicy (théos díe) signifies the justification of God (Source) and basically refers to Leibniz's solution of the problem of evil, or solutions to that generally. Now - it seems I must have had a subconscious notion of the real meaning because I could certainly take this as meaning that God is present in evil, or some such, even though that wasn't what was in my mind at the time. Strange, eh?

I'm a bit disconcerted now.