Seeing the psych, exams, new poem, weirdness.

2003-05-31 at 3:22 a.m.

Well, its been a few days since I last updated - sorry! I've actually had two exams and seen the psychiatrist in that time so this will be a longish entry.

My exam on death went ok - not the best exam I've ever done, not the worst either. The night before (the last time I posted) was pretty bad. I ended up cutting again, and felt incredibly depressed. But once the exam was over that lifted a little bit, so I felt ok for a while.

Unfortunately it all returned a few hours later, but thats (my) life, anyway.

I went to see the psychiatrist on Thursday. I told him about basically hallucinating and thinking I was in France, and he said its not a side-effect of the drugs or a result of my missing doses, but a product of my own mood. I told him I was still having mood swings and feeling depressed - and he's upped the dose on the Lamotrigine again (he really is keen on that drug). I also told him that I'd told my parents - and that they'd been more supportive than I'd thought they would be. He was very pleased I'd told them, and also pleased I'd found out that my aunty had/has depression, because he'd been looking for it in my family tree but no one in my family talks about that stuff.

He thinks I'm getting a bit better. Mostly because the thoughts of suicide have been getting less. I still get them, but more as a sudden urge than a sitting-and-planning sort of thing, though that has been coming back the past few days - I don't seem to be able to cope well with stress anymore.

I forgot to tell him about the very strange way I've been feeling lately though. I've been feeling both depressed and really happy at the same time, which I find really disconcerting - you should have one emotion or the other, not both at once! Sheesh. Someone at SH reckoned that was a mixed state common in manic depression, and as I've shown tinges of that, maybe thats what it is, or maybe it means the depression is starting to lift.

The psychiatrist recommended a website for me to look at http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk, which is the Royal College of Psychiatrists.

It was quite strange actually, he ended up giving me career advice, of all things! You see, I'm due to graduate from university in July, and I need to get a job. Now I'm just planning to get anything going, but he reckons I should maybe take casual work in a bar or something over the summer until I'm completely better again, and keeps asking me what I'd like to do for a living. The trouble is that I really don't know. I like writing - but the chances of me ever being able to make a living out of poetry or anything else are miniscule! I'd quite like to work in publishing, but then so does everyone else. So I'm just going to take any old job which brings in money, and my real life will be outside work. It was nice of him to offer advice I suppose, if a bit weird. He's a nice guy though. I've to see him again in another couple of weeks.

Anyway, today, Friday, I had another exam, on the holocaust. Interesting subject, but it was that which kickstarted this episode of depression, unfortunately. The exam didn't go too badly, again it wasn't brilliant, but I managed to write a fair bit.

I only have one more exam to go now and then I'm finished with student life forever. Well except for graduation - which reminds me that I have to hire a gown - ours is black with a purple and white hood.

I hate mood swings, I seem to be getting them a lot, I'm either happy, depressed, or both at once, and it all keeps changing all the time. Plus I feel just generally odd, but can't really define it more than that.

Anyway, will maybe write more later. I've a new poem for you.

Rainbows

There are rainbows in the sky now
though the day is grey.
There are stars shining in the sky now
shining for me today.

I weave strange phantasms out of air
to distract my mind.
I create beautiful images in the sky
but still rewind--

I lose my words and thoughts still
lost deep inside.
I find my head full of sand still
and feelings died.

Rainbows and darkness whirl around
over and over again.
Seesaws and whirligigs live in me
and cause me pain.

Whether rainbows or speechlessness drive
some part lives on.
I hope for stability in some future day
with all gone.

Three guesses what thats all about!

'Later,