Depressed again, stressed about exams.

2003-05-27 at 5:02 a.m.

I thought things were better for a while there, but no luck.

I've been out to my quiz tonight, we didn't win, had a fairly good time aside from Gillian constantly touching me because she knows it makes me uncomfortable.

I've just been getting waves and waves of depression again. Maybe its something to do with having to do an exam on death later on this week. Maybe not.

I just feel trapped I suppose, like I want to just escape, and I don't want to feel all this anymore. I'm really tired of fighting, and its all I ever seem to do anymore. I've been fighting so hard I don't really know what I'm thinking or feeling anymore, self-analysing, doing everything I can think of to feel better, and its not working. All thats happened is I've become self-obsessed, but unfortunately the self I'm obsessed with isn't someone I like very much. The thought of myself makes me feel physically ill most of the time, I've been avoiding mirrors for years.

And I'm so tired. Physically at the moment, but mentally all the time. And the trouble with mental tiredness is that I don't seem to be able to rest. Its just constant, whether I'm awake or asleep I'm thinking of death, of cutting, of just going.

How on earth am I supposed to study Heidegger's arguments for suicide!!!! I even liked the stupid course, but it made everything so much worse, and I was really hoping that I'd be able to do the exams in September and give myself a bit of a chance to get drugs that actually work, to feel a bit better and more stable, and now I have to do it on Wednesday instead! Tomorrow, as soon as I wake up, I'm going to have to study all this stuff about death, and I don't know anything, and I don't want to know anything either.

God, the temptation just to make another suicide attempt - a successful one - is incredible right now. But now that my parents know about the depression and all, they'd be contacted, and I don't want them to be worried. But if I ring that emergency place, they'll take me into the hospital, I'll miss my exams and get my degree regardless. But the trouble is, these exams are going to be my last experience of student life, and I don't want to miss them for that alone. And I don't mind exams as such, nor my results either, because I know I'll get my degree anyway - its the reading about death and the holocaust I'm going to have to do this week thats bothering me. I don't want to read it - the holocaust set this episode off, and death made it worse! Its only been getting worse since, and I don't think I can handle it getting any worse than it already is.

And I don't see the doctor till Thursday. I wish I'd been able to see him when I normally do, on Tuesday, then I might have been able to sort all this out. But then again, maybe not, I don't want to rely on him so much, to see your psychiatrist as some sort of salvation.....? I don't want to do that.

Oh well, I'm going to go to bed, preparatory to studying death. I'm not going to be well-prepared, I simply haven't dared to, but I can't go in knowing nothing, I hate that exam-freeze you get when you really do know nothing.

-Blaed

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