Told my parents!

2003-05-24 at 2:05 a.m.

So...that was on Sunday, and this is Friday. Ho hum.

Well, I saw my parents on Monday for lunch. We just went out for a drive and they kept talking about getting a good job and a house not owned by the council and all...so I finally told them about whats been going on.

Well, I told my dad first, because its easier to tell him, I suppose, I knew he wouldn't get mad or anything. He introduced the subject with mum and we sat and talked for ages.

What I've done is to talk about the mental issues, and sort of push the manic bits to the fore. Now, I didn't lie because the doctor really did say I'm on the bipolar scale, and I have had manic episodes (mild ones). But I'm uncomfortable and embarrassed talking about depression for some reason. I've never come out and said "I'm depressed" to anyone other than my doctor. I've no idea why.

Anyway, at first it was as bad as I'd feared. Mum went mad, said that psychiatrists are all mad themselves, that I must have been lying to him, that I had to come home right now and never return here or live alone again...all that.

Well, fortunately I kept a rein on my own emotions and didn't get into a big row. Fortunate because I realised that was mum's reaction to suddenly being told that I'd been ill and she hadn't known. And, with her being a psychologist, she felt she should have noticed. She realised she had no reason to notice when I told her that this hasn't been something I've always had, that its been developing. Of course the depression has been there on and off but it was fairly standard teenagery stuff for a while - at one period it was comparatively bad, but not objectively really, I suppose. And anyway I never told her about it. So once I explained that particularly the manic bits aren't bad now, and though I may possibly have had them before, they weren't things anyone would have thought were odd. I mean, I am at about the right age to develop it, so its not like I should have exhibited signs earlier or anything.

So, after I'd explained things and she'd calmed down a bit and thought it through, she accepted it without problems. Both my parents said they were annoyed I hadn't told them earlier - but thats understandable. I even managed to make them understand, or at least acknowledge why I want to stay here and not move back home. I don't think maybe mum really understands why I don't want to, but she at least accepts that I don't want to, which is fine.

The only things I didn't tell them were the extent of the depression, that I've been suicidal, that I've been in hospital for an overdose, and the cutting. They don't need to know, and certainly didn't need to know all that at once. Maybe someday I'll tell them, maybe not.

Anyway, we had a big talk. They now understand why I wanted a council flat rather than a privately owned one, and they understand why I might not take a "proper" job (and certainly don't need the pressure they were giving me) right away. So thats great, I don't need to lie anymore and they understand it all a lot better. Of course, with mum knowing about it, that makes it easier too.

We've been discussing financial stuff too. Mum and dad have just bought a second house, which means they literally cannot afford to subsidise me in the way they're doing. They said that if I'd told them earlier they wouldn't have bought the house - but I wasn't expecting them to fund me and I don't think I'd have been happy that they'd stopped themselves buying something that they really want, that would be good for mum's health, and that they've earned in order to spend money on me! I'm sure I can deal with it. Or at least try.

I've got to go get a "proper diagnosis" from the doctor next time I see him though - you know, those medical type words, so mum can look it up in her books. Its funny, mum keeps ringing me up to tell me that people with manic depression (which he hasn't said I have exactly, but that I have a tendency toward/might develop) are supposed to be very creative. I think she's trying to cheer me up! I don't really need cheering up about my diagnosis though, because I reckon he's right. I don't think I told him, but when I was a teenager, I remember reading the definition of manic depression and thinking I might have a mild form of it, and considering the "high" episodes I've had....he's definitely on to something. I bet I know what he's worried about too, that when this depression lifts, I might go the other way, because if I can manage to have highs right in the middle of the most severe depression I've ever had, what the hell is going to happen when it stops!

Anyway, I'm glad I told them, overall. Its nice having them be understanding. They've taken the pressure off, and I didn't realise it would be such a relief. I mean, they're not telling me I have to keep on and on searching for an excellent job, that I have to bust a gut for my degree, because they understand I'm finding that really hard right now. Which is such a relief, I hadn't realised how hard I was finding that pressure.

Of course, the pressure from myself is still there, but any letup from others has to be a good thing, right?

More to come...

-Blaed

<< - >>
Notes | G-book