this week, slight delusions, two new poems

2003-05-24 at 2:34 a.m.

The rest of my week has been pretty good. I've felt a bit more "up", I think as a result of telling my parents.

I have had a bit of a downswing, the depression is still there, but I am getting lighter bits. I hope.

I did have a worrying thing happen though - I missed a couple of doses of my medication. And I had a couple of weird delusions. I thought I was a mobile phone last night. I mean, I seriously thought it, this isn't a joke (though it is pretty funny, I admit). I was convinced I was a phone, I could hear me ringing, all that. It didn't last long, but it was peculiar. Then today, I was walking up the street when I suddenly was in France - I was in a town, in the country, the air smelled different, it was warmer, people were speaking French. A second or so later, I was back here. Now THAT was weird! I'm really, really hoping that this is just a side-effect from not taking the meds, and not a worrying new symptom. I may tell the doctor anyway, maybe not, I'll see how I feel on Thursday next week, when I see him again.

Had an exam today, which wasn't good. The questions were good and I knew the answers, but I found it hard to work, to concentrate, to write longhand fast, and little waves of depression kept hitting me. Not fun.

Its going to be even less fun next week, when I have an exam on death and one on the holocaust to deal with. And the revision for them. I'm enjoying this respite in mood, because the minute I start studying Heidegger's arguments for suicide....actually I wanted to do it last night, this morning, this afternoon...but I was worried my professor would think it was her fault in some way, and I like her a lot.

I'll see how it goes. Cautious optimism is the key at the moment.

Anyway, I've written a couple of new poems, so here they are.

Eyes Wide Shut

Eyes wide shut see more
than eyes wide open
when your mind sees
what senses cannot:

Memories of other days:
Soft lights of Brittany, foreign and warm
while I walk up a cold grey street;
visions of Paradise, sweetly blooming
though really I just sit on a stone.

Eyes wide shut see beautiful visions
realities enfolding in kalaedoscopic glory
the present fading and floating away
replaced with firm memory.

Am I mad, or only dreaming?
These other places seem more real
than reality itself has ever been.

Eyes wide shut bear internal life,
ecstasies of vision forever bright.
Eyes wide shut see unnatural visions
bedazzling the senses
confounding the mind.

I may be mad, I may be dreaming,
but eyes wide shut view no doubts,
but only the simple vision.

Three guesses what thats about! I didn't remember Eyes Wide Shut was the title of a movie till afterwards, unfortunately.

Always

There'll always be bruises
nestling in soft hollows of skin
spreading out across milky whiteness
in rainbow colours of pain.

There'll always be razor-lines
red, and black with blood
solidifying to red and white markings
warpaint on a broken shell.

There'll always be burns
shiny and brightened hard
stretching over tender flesh
denuded of humanity.

There'll always be pain
and methods of coping with it
melting the will
playing fairy-like across the skin.

Not such a cheerful one, this, I'm afraid! Ah well. The cuts from last time are healing ok, not a lot of itching which is good. The urge is still there, but not as bad.