plans for the future, things looking a bit brighter

2003-05-15 at 1:49 a.m.

Anyway, today hasn't been so bad. I couldn't sleep last night (damn depression) but managed to drop off. Promptly dozed throughout the day. I was supposed to be meeting Sophie today, but she couldn't make it.

I was forced out of bed because a painter came round to paint my windows (they were supposed to come round weeks ago, however...) and I had to open them for him, but I could stay in bed and keep the windows closed so a) he didn't see the disgraceful state my flat is in and b) he didn't see my in my pjamas (which have unfortunate smears of blood on them which I've been unable to wash out).

I've been feeling a bit better today. I mean, I still want to die, just not right now. I still haven't resolved the problems with mum - I'm going to have to tell her that I'll not be graduating at the right time. Trouble is, I really do think that she'll force me to go away from here if I do. I can make a good case for staying - for one thing, if I go back to my parents' house in London, I'll have to get a new doctor, new psychiatrist, new psychiatric nurse, sort out drugs and escape the danger of being sectioned by misdiagnosis (which the psychiatrist has warned me about - he thinks that if I end up in hospital after an overdose again there is a chance I'll be misdiagnosed with a personality disorder, and sectioned). Plus, its really not a good idea to isolate me - the only people I'd know in London would be my parents, I'd be away from my friends (whose support has been invaluable), away from socialisation, and watched all the time. I suppose its natural for my mum to want me to come home if I'm ill, but I really don't want that.

But on the other hand, she's not unreasonable, and I do know she loves me, so it might be alright. I don't want to tell her about the cutting though. Depression, yes, self-injury, no way. I might talk it over with Lynn sometime, figure out how I could tell her. What I'm hoping, if I'm honest, is that if I tell my parents whats been happening, then they'll help me with the things I'm finding hard to do right now. Like finding somewhere to live. I need somewhere to live, and I need to support myself, but if I don't tell mum and dad whats wrong, then they're going to think I'm incredibly stupid for going for some sort of barwork or similar, and trying to live in a council flat. But at the moment, the doctor agrees, I'm not going to be able to hold down a "proper" job, one which makes me think, makes me have to motivate myself and whatnot, not until I'm better. As I've found today just by wrestling with HTML, I need some sort of activity which takes up my time, gets rid of physical energy so I get proper sleep, but doesn't require so much brainwork. And the reason I need a council flat is that there is a chance I'll lose jobs, or have to go into hospital for a time, and if I do then I could be turfed out on the street by a private landlord, whereas the council should (hopefully) be more helpful.

I wish there was somewhere official I could talk about housing, benefits etc. Trouble is, my parents have been consistently employed, so I really have no idea where to go just to talk about those things. I know where to go to apply, but I have questions I'd like answered, and the only people I can think of to ask are my friends. Maybe the Citizen's Advice Bureau? I don't know...

Of course, I can plan to a certain extent, the problem is motivating myself to actually do something about those plans. Which is another reason I'd like my parents to know. But they tend to nag....though they mightn't do that.

Certainly I don't think mum would dream of having a conversation with me like she did last night if she knew of my mental state. Its obviously still rather fragile, because having a row with mum wouldn't normally make me cry, cut myself and feel suicidal! I row with her a lot, but we're quite similar - big bustups, then forgotten ten minutes later. Normally, thats fine, but right now, I can't handle it properly. If she knew, she wouldn't do it - mum's a psychologist herself, she's worked with mentally ill people, with fragile people, she knows all this sort of thing. Plus, of course, I'm her daughter, she's not going to do anything to hurt me.

So its a good idea...and I'd like to. My psychiatrist thinks I should too, and if the worst comes to the worst, mum and dad can't physically force me to leave. I'm an adult, I have no legal obligation to be with them, and a ton of reasons not to be. I don't mind going down for a holiday - I wouldn't mind that at all, but really, I need my friends, my doctor, the support up here, because I'm finding it hard enough to carry on without having all those removed from me.

I hope they understand if/when I speak to them about it. They're coming up in a fortnight (or I'm meeting them in newcastle, one or the other) so I might tell them before then, because they will want to see me face-to-face once they know, I think. Even if they agree not to force me to leave here. Anyway, if I manage to wake up during daylight tomorrow I think I'll talk it over with Lynn and/or Shirley. If I wake up in decent time I'm going to apply for a council flat tomorrow too - Shirley is coming with me. Then we'll go and get drunk :D or have a drink anyway.

So, its a bit brighter today. I still feel unaccountably teary though. And I haven't taken my pills today (whoops) but I really hope this is the start of the upward slope.

TTFN,

-Blaed

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