saw the psychiatrist, had a row with my mum, cut again

2003-05-14 at 1:14 a.m.

He's upped the dosage on my pills, and written to the community psychiatric nurse for me.

Turns out he wasn't saying he would section me, but saying that if I end up in hospital after an overdose the doctors there might decide to section me.

I'm seeing him again in a fortnight.

I was feeling better today, pretty much normal again and I was really hoping this was a good sign.

Short lived.

I came home, and my mum rang up. We had a massive row because I don't want to live at home after I graduate from university. I want to live by myself. I mean, come on, I'm an adult! And I value my independence. But mum wouldn't listen.

She got really mad when I said I was going to apply for a council flat - the psychiatrist agrees I'm going to have problems working for a while, and suggested I take temporary type jobs (bars and whatnot) until my mental state stablises. Now, I agree, and I'm thinking of taking my finals in september rather than this month so I can settle a bit. But mum doesn't know that.

Anyway, she basically said that I was stupid, that I didn't know what I was doing, and that she's decided to forcibly remove me from my flat in JUNE - before my exams would be finished even if I was taking them now!!! Then I tried to talk to her, and she said she didn't want to talk about it, and hung up.

I was so upset. I couldn't stop crying, and I felt crap. I hate arguing with my parents, and I hate unfairness. I have the right to live wherever I want - I'm 22 not 2! I just got a sudden urge to cut, and I did, sliced up my arm pretty badly.

And the suicidal thoughts are back. I was sort of hoping they'd leave me alone for a while, but no luck. I'm feeling an incredible urge just to GO, right now, take my pills or strangle myself, and just leave. I can't take all the stress, things are bad enough!

I don't know what I'm going to do now. Maybe it'll look better in the morning. Though I don't hold out much hope as it doesn't generally.

-Blaed

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